Jonah Hex has always been one of the more entertaining characters in the DC Comics stable. Now I won’t claim I’m the most knowledgeable individual on the subject of Jonah Hex. Most of my exposure to the character comes from his appearance on Bruce Timm’s Batman cartoon, along with the limited series Jonah Hex: Riders of the Worm and Such, but the scarred gunman and his battles with foes both mundane and supernatural were wildly different than the usual super heroics that count as DC’s bread and butter. This distinctive style of comic book storytelling and genre bending endeared the character to me long ago. Also, Hex’s adventures (among earlier stories) served as inspiration for later tales that would eventually come be known as the genre of Weird West fiction, one that I am very much a fan of. I was initially excited when I heard that a Jonah Hex film was in the making, but the old fears whispered in the back of my mind soon enough. This was a comic book adaptation, after all, and not of a household name character. When filmmakers know the audience isn’t terribly familiar with a character, they usually take it as an invitation to screw with the source material in any way they see fit (sometimes, seemingly, just for the hell of it). You may ask if that is what’s happened with Jonah Hex. The short answer is YES. A slightly longer answer is THEY FUCKING BUTCHERED IT.

The plot is a nightmare, thanks in no small part to the piss-poor editing job. Rumors abound that a significant portion of the film was left on the editing room floor in attempt to make the film more action-oriented. This serves to make the film less exciting than disorienting and incomprehensible. Knowledge of the comics isn’t necessary to grasp the plot (if any grasping is to be had), since they throw most of the established mythology out the window and swap it for a Weird West version of The Crow. As it stands, we get Jonah Hex, a disgraced Civil War vet who turned on his commanding officer, Quentin Turnbull, and killed Turnbull’s son (also Hex’s best friend), following of an attack of conscience. Later, after Hex has settled into a quiet family life with his wife and child, Turnbull comes a’ calling, seeking revenge. He kills said wife and kid and scars Hex’s face as payback. This leaves Hex stuck between the land of the living and the dead (don’t ask me how or why, it involves Indians, for some reason), and sees him take up the life of a bounty hunter. Years later, the Army turns up, informing him Turbull is back to his old Union-hating tricks, trying to destabilize the country and incite a new civil war. President Grant himself requests Hex’s assistance in taking down Turnbull and stopping his bat-shit insane plan, which involves causing the breakdown of the Union by attacking the centennial celebration with a super weapon (built by Eli Whittney, no less) that, as far as I can tell, is a gigantic six shooter that seems to be powered by Dragon Balls. I dare you to make more sense of this plot than that. Go ahead, try. I’ll wait. Couldn’t? Didn’t think so.

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